dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
