Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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