FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
