my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just gift wrapped bread.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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