She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
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Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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