i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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