I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
