I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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