A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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