It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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