dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
