At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
