My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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