Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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