there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
