wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
