he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
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Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
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only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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