last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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