she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
