She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
