bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
