Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
