fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
