KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
