I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
