Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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