Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Need sex. Gaining weight.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it's like iHOP with fire
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
