On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
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I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
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Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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