I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
