his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
