You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
