Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
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