I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
