My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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