this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
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