last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
