You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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