I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
