in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
