he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Terrible idea I love it
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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