I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
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I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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