They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize