Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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