Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
