hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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