I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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