I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
