He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
