I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
