I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...