I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
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He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.