I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
