Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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