Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
