Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
