soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
