I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's rum buckets o'clock
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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