so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
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I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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