I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
