it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas