So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
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he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
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Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.