i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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