Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...